


This Is Enough

by brokenhighways



Category: Hit the Floor (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Coming Out, Insecurity, M/M, Mirror Conversations, Schmoop, index cards, stationery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:55:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27836410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenhighways/pseuds/brokenhighways
Summary: Being the boyfriend of a professional basketball player is harder than Jude thought it would be. Every time he wants to talk to Zero he chokes. The words get caught up in his throat and never come back up.
Relationships: Jude Kinkade/Zero | Gideon
Comments: 18
Kudos: 95
Collections: Zude





	This Is Enough

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a short 500+ word fic but then insomnia entered the chat. I was thinking about the aftermath of 'The Kiss' and the different ways the guys reacted or felt once the dust settled... and this story happened, lol. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy it!

**_Are you ashamed of me?_ **

Jude stares at five words written on the index card in front of him before slowly looking up at his reflection. This is what he's reduced himself to, expressing himself via cards like he's trapped in a montage from the middle-act of a low budget romantic comedy.

Being the boyfriend of a professional basketball player is harder than he thought it would be, and this is the result of a lot of soul searching. Every time he wants to talk to Zero he chokes. The words get caught up in his throat and never come back up.

Writing them down seemed like the better option, but now he's facing his insecurities in black and white Jude's regretting his choice.

"Nope," he says to himself while rereading the card. "Too confrontational."

He shreds the card into pieces and paces around the bathroom, wondering for the fiftieth time if he's overthinking this. Sure, it's been four months since Zero did this _amazing_ thing for him. Kissing him on the Devils Arena court for the _entire_ world to see and receiving grief for it. Paparazzi chasing him everywhere, some of the fans turning on him and worst of all, receiving negative reactions in the dressing room.

Zero's been through a lot. He's under immense pressure _and_ he's still expected to perform well during the games. He has to put up with constant criticism and increased scrutiny. It's been four months of waking up to seeing their pictures plastered all over the internet and all Jude can think is...

_T_ _here's something wrong with me_.

The selfish part of his brain won't let him push past _his_ fears and insecurities, even though it's not him who should be freaking out. He looks back at his reflection, clearing his throat and picking up the next index card.

**_I get it. I'm not a supermodel. I'm not Jelena. I'm not red carpet material, but…_ **

"Ugh." Jude crumples the card into a ball and tosses it into the overflowing trash can. "Bringing up Jelena? Really? Way to go, Jude."

Jude _knows_ he's being stupid. He knows that Zero loves him. It shines through in their moments together, especially when they curl up in bed each night, sharing secret smiles until their eyelids are heavy with the lingering promise of tomorrow. Zero's always waiting for him when he arrives back home, always listens when Jude's bitching about his workday or Oscar's latest stunt.

He's always there when Jude needs him and it should be enough. There shouldn't be a lingering question mark, just absolutely certainty in their relationship.

Except, he's standing in front of his mirror practising what to say because he's a mess and it's starting to bubble over into other aspects of his life. The board wants him to babysit Lionel twenty-four seven and lately, he zones out in the meetings, too busy wondering if Zero still feels the way he did after the pickup game.

Jude grabs the next card and scans it like each word isn't already burned into his brain.

**_I know this has been a crazy ride. And I get it. It's easier to hide. It's better when it's just us, but...I wish I knew where your head is at. I wish we could just... be ourselves wherever we want to be and not just here. I wish I didn't feel like I'm the reason why nobody sees us._ **

Jude shreds the card and chucks it into the toilet and flushes it down, watching the pieces circling down the drain. "Too wishy. Too much about me."

After making a mental note to have a plumber on standby just in case, he sits on the edge of the bathtub and picks out another index card. This one is the _worst_ of all of them. Written when Jude was worrying himself into a migraine and couldn't stop it from spilling out.

It's about Lucas.

**_This card is here just to prove how stupid I'm being. I went out with Lucas, was seen with him in public and he still left. So why am I trying to make it seem like it's the be-all and end-all? Why does it bother me so much?_ **

Jude inhales, exhaling seconds later when the answer comes to him. "... Cuz I always feel like I'm not good enough."

_Gotta love having Daddy issues,_ he thinks, wondering if he'll ever be free of the scars Oscar left him with. He flips the card about Lucas around and puts it back on the counter. He's not done with it just yet. The final card stares at him and he eyes it warily.

**_You love me. I love you. It should be enough._ **

"Yeah, and it would be if I wasn't such a dramatic weirdo."

The alarm on his phone rings, jolting him out of his _Bridget Jones's Diary_ moment and Jude can't believe it's eight pm already. Zero should be back any minute fresh off the team's latest promotional campaign.

Jude takes one last look at his reflection and tries not to see the scared kid who sometimes looks back at him. It's futile, though, and he wonders if the feeling will ever go away. If one day he'll look at himself and see something real, see a person who's figured their shit out and discovered where they belong.

Jude gathers up the last two cards and opens the bathroom door to find Zero on the other side.

"Zero... I didn't hear you come in."

He's standing there as if in stasis, with a surprised look etched on his face and a hand outstretched like he was going to knock but froze midway.

"Jude, are you okay?" Zero's eyes are everywhere _but_ Jude. Dread swoops in Jude's stomach, dangerous and low.

"Please tell me you didn't hear any of that?" Jude wishes the ground would open up and swallow him alive. The last thing he wants is for Zero to be anywhere near his insecurities. Not until he refines them, polishes them into the perfect words and puts a shiny bow on them.

Zero finally meets his eyes, smiling awkwardly like he'd jump into the ground _with_ Jude if it opened up. "I heard most of it. I thought you were upset so I was about to come in and then I heard what you were saying and…"

He trails off, shrugging slightly as if to say, " _where do we go from here?_ "

There's a long pause and Jude utters the only two words that come to mind. "I'm sorry."

"No, _I'm_ sorry, Jude." Zero takes his hand and pulls him into the hallway. "Sorry that you couldn't say any of that to me. That you feel like I'm _ashamed_ of you. Fuck, Jude... you know that I'm not, right?"

"I don't think that."

"Jude…" Zero's question goes unspoken but Jude hears it all the same. _Why did you say it, then?_

"I don't," Jude says. "It's just my _mind_ projecting like crazy. I know that."

"Where do you want to go?" Zero's still holding his hand, gripping it firmly like he's afraid to let go.

"What?"

"Let's go out. Do something in the open. Whatever you want to do."

"What about the paparazzi? The fans?"

"What about them?" Zero smiles. "We both know I've only got eyes for you."

"Gideon...I wasn't... I get why we can't just go wherever we like. I do."

"Do you, Jude?" Zero sounds resigned and Jude knows he's not fooling him. "I understand. I wish you'd told me before. With everything that's happened, I haven't even thought about going anywhere…"

"Can we just pretend this didn't happen?" Jude knew he was being stupid, but Zero's words just confirm it.

"Sure... but only after we go somewhere."

"Gideon…"

"I swear I'm not suggesting it because you're upset about it. Well. I _am_ , but... if people seeing us together is something you want, I'll do it."

"Okay," Jude says. "Okay. Let's... Let's do this."

Eventually, they settle on a walk and talk about their day. Zero complains about the team photoshoot and Jude tells him about Lionel's latest run-in with the board. It steadies the waters somewhat, but Jude spends the rest of the evening feeling like a complete fuck-up. Zero assures him that he's not upset, but there's an awkward cloud looming over them the entire time.

+

The next morning, Jude steps into his bathroom with a twinge of disappointment. After they got back from their walk, Zero went back to his condo. He seemed genuinely disappointed that he couldn't stay, but Jude missed him all the same.

It felt alien to turn over and find an empty spot staring back at him. He kept picturing the horrified look on Zero face when he opened the bathroom door and saw the cards in his hands. He can't help wishing there was a way to turn back time and never write the cards in the first place, or hoping he can magically grow a pair and talk to Zero like a _normal_ person.

All of that falls away when he sees bright green index cards stuck all over his bathroom mirror cabinet. They're not his cards - he only ever uses white with black ink.

The first one says:

**_Maybe one day we'll be able to do this without wasting perfectly good index cards._ **

Jude slowly releases a deep breath, laughing gently when he realises what he's looking at. Goosebumps tickle the hairs on the back of his neck and he moves onto the next card.

**_I have a lot of regrets in life. A lot of things I'm ashamed of. A lot of people I don't want to be seen with._ **

**_You will never be one of them._ **

Jude's reaches out to touch the card, tracing the last sentence with his index finger. His chest is expanding and his heart is racing, but he wills himself to calm down and move onto the next card.

**_You don't need to be a supermodel. You don't need to be red carpet material. You definitely don't need to be Jelena Howard._ **

**_You're perfect the way you are._ **

The next card is so succinct and classic _Zero_ that Jude's laughter echoes against the tiles.

**_Fuck Lucas._ **

It takes a while longer to read the next card and Jude feels his breath catch while he's taking in Zero's precise and neatly written words.

**_I'm not used to being with someone. Being in a relationship. I've always processed everything internally, always kept it inside. The good and the bad, and... I see now that part of being in a relationship is expressing myself. Saying the things I don't normally say. You want to know where my head's at. The truth is that I don't know. Life has been such a huge whirlwind lately. The world as I know it has changed, and..._ **

**_There's only one place where I feel free._ **

**_Like I can be Gideon._ **

**_That place is with you._ **

**_So if it feels like I'm keeping us sheltered away, that's why. I'm happy. With you. And I guess part of me wants to hold onto this feeling for as long as I can._ **

Jude swallows past the lump in his throat and turns his attention to the last card.

**_You might be a dramatic weirdo, but you're MY dramatic weirdo. Don't ever forget that. I know I won't. x_ **

It's the 'x' that does it, and Jude exits the bathroom, fully prepared to drive over to Zero's condo in his ratty T-shirt and sweats. However, his plan is scuppered when he steps into his bedroom and…

Zero's there.

He's wearing his leather jacket and there's a black backpack slung over his shoulder like he just happened to stop by on the way to practise.

Except, it's six in the morning and Zero's not a morning person _at all._

Zero's hands are fidgeting, twisting the bag strap repeatedly and nervous energy is pouring off him in waves. "I wanted to say all of that last night, but... I had to sit down and gather my thoughts first."

"Gideon, you didn't need to do this," Jude says. "I was just... I don't know, I guess I was waiting for the rug to be pulled out from underneath me. I was just trying to get my feelings out. To stop them messing with my head."

"If it'll help you understand me better I'd write a million of those cards." Zero drops his bag, taking a tentative step forward. "We've been through too much to let miscommunication tear us apart."

"I feel like an idiot. This all started because of a _stupid_ comment Lionel made when we didn't show up to her party last week."

_If I didn't know any better, I'd think Zero was only interested in coming out on his own._

In hindsight, she probably didn't mean anything by it. Or maybe she did and Jude put too much thought into it.

"What have I told you about listening to Lionel?"

"She's my friend, Gid…"

"... she also not only read the script for _Ecstasy_ , but she _signed_ up for it. Her judgement is clearly off."

Jude shudders at the mere memory of _Ecstasy_ , and what seems to be the final act of Lionel's movie career. Although, based on her performance as Devils team owner, she might be heading back to Hollywood sooner than expected.

"We all make mistakes."

"Mmm." Zero steps forward again and pulls Jude in, nuzzling his neck gently before he kisses him, slow and steady like they have all the time in the world. When they pull away, Zero swipes the pad of his thumb against Jude's lips and murmurs, "I love you."

"I love you, too," Jude says, and try as he might, there's still some leftover debris rolling around in his mind. "...How many cards are we going to blow through before we can finally _talk_ to each other?"

Zero frames Jude's face with his hands, not allowing him to look away. "Jude, what do you think people did back in the day when there was no texting or email? Or phone. They sent letters. Long ass letters. It doesn't matter _how_ we communicate. It just matters that we do."

"Who are you and what have you done with Zero?" Jude asks. "You know, the stoic basketball player who usually runs a mile when it comes to these deep conversations."

"I spent a _lot_ of time looking up this stuff last night. I want to get this right, Jude. With you. So, can just we promise each other we'll say whatever is on our minds. Even if it's through index cards or scraps of paper. If there's a problem, we find a way. No matter what."

For all of their talk about not being able to communicate, they're doing it right now.

_Talking_ without feeling like they can't do it.

It's reassuring to hear Zero lay it out like that and damn right ironic considering he's usually the aloof one compared to Jude, whose mind is always going a mile a minute, twisting and turning its way into new internal dilemmas. It gives Jude hope, makes him feel like they can do this.

They can make it.

"I promise."

"Good." Zero glances at his watch. "I gotta go. I've got an early breakfast meeting with my publicist. I'll call you when I'm done, okay?"

Before he leaves, Zero kisses him again, a barely-there brush of lips that still manages to leave him wanting more.

Jude's thinks about the index cards still stuck to his mirror and he can't help smiling to himself.

_This_ , he thinks. _This is enough._

**Author's Note:**

> No index cards were harmed in the making of the story.


End file.
